Brian Cookson impersonator Jezza Corbyn has announced that he has sold his garage full of bikes and re-stocked with just one ride!! Corbyn announced yesterday that 'the bike industry is just a load of hype that is on this earth to make us all buy more bikes we don't need. I looked in the garage and thought I don't need all these bikes, trying to decide is hard enough, I just need one type of bike that does everything well enough, I need on of them gravel bikes'
Corbyn has sold:
Canyon Ultimate CF - Pure race machine - Too flashy, too stretched out on the back, un-comfy as shit - If you don't race, you don't need a race bike.
Giant Propel - I can't do 50kph and don't ride it in a wind tunnel, I have legs, a head etc... useless
Cannondale Synapse - Sportive Bike - Heavy and does not really work in that bendy way it claims
Focus Mares - CX - Toe overlap is crap and it's got no rack/bottle mounts
Santa Cruz V12 - Why do I keep a bike I push 99% of the time, I live in Surrey!
Charge Duster - It's a BMX, I look like a monkey sexually abusing a football on that one
Giant Reign 27.5 - Because I can't be arsed to buy new tubes for it
Dolan Pre Cursa - I bought this after watching Premium Rush, I rode it once and stopped pedaling to freewheel at the lights, it threw me into an ice cream van, then my sleeve tatts fell off, disaster
Ragley Blue Pig - It's not this nor that, fast or bouncy, and Dave Cameron fucked it's head so that put me off
He has purchased:
On-One Pickenflick with 105 11 speed & disc brakes.
Corbyn has discussed his re-shuffle and decreed that he needs only one approach to riding and any others will be dismissed from the garage at once. He quite liked his old trusty Trek but after he noticed Dave 'Lance Pants' Cameron using a Trek (later stolen due to being chained over a three foot high bollard) he sold it. He did consider the communists special, the Flying Pigeon, later bemoaning their 'uber shitness' and casing international tensions with the East.
Critics have said Corbyn is simply following the very industry trend he is critical of, he replied 'fuck off, you'd never see me on a fat bike'. Corbys single minded approach is expected to draw comparisons with fellow outspoken but focused professional Dr Ferrari, who also had a single solution to increase performance and level the playing field. Arch enemy in a Pendleton/Mears stylele Dave 'Pig Head Terrine Old Bean?' Cameron scoffed at Corbyn's approach, following up with 'I have 30 million pounds worth of bikes so choose what I like, life is about choice and I worked hard to be able to make mine, anyone can have 30,000,000 worth of bikes if the work hard enough, if they work really hard they can have a Rapha sock or hat. I would suggest Corbyn get a Cannondale Lefty! Gaffaw.... Get it, a lefty!!!'
The debate continues - Corbyn was last seen trying to work out how to true yet another bent rotor having parked his Pickenflick next to a lodd of other bikes in Westminster.